To be honest I don't know what I'm doing here most of the time, or what I want, whether or not I have the discipline required of the spiritual life. But every time I engage with my spiritual beacons they draw me irresistibly, pull me into a sense of gravity which I can't resist.
I see it now: I have always been reluctant, I am still reluctant, not so much following as meandering along at my own pace along a very scenic route. Thoughts trigger a sense of excitement and anticipation, but most of the time I just want to have my cake and eat it, even though I don't have a sweet tooth.
Right now there are more questions than answers, they overwhelm me. But I realise I am better to ask them in company rather than in my own jaded presence.
When Your Kids Deconstruct
4 years ago
7 comments:
Ahhhh, discipline schmisipline. Sometimes it's overrated, when you're too tired and need to just rest and say stuff it. Other times I reckon it's a lifesaver.
Good to "see" you again, Fiona. I'm sorry you're in the realms of the dark night of the soul. It feels like nothing is going to survive out of those times, like everything is dead. But life always comes after death, always.
Glad I'm not the only one still up! As I wrote it I had similar thoughts, but the spiritual life has become, for me, so much of an obligation that maybe discipline is the only way to maintain a sense of momentum. But then, what sort of a spiritual life is it where I have to force myself into it? Like I said, lots of questions!
I have thought that, about the dark night, but then thought 'Who am I to presume that I am, or ever was, so spiritual as to warrant a dark night?' And the odd thing is, if I am really honest, I enjoy the perks of disconnection. Am enjoying 'getting dirty' so to speak. I am pained by the brick wall I keep hitting, but all too easily wander away from it towards something bright and shiny. I like bright and shiny.
Good to 'see' you too, Sue. Good to know I'm not toughing it out alone!
Spiritual beacons -- I love that imagery.
I don't know that we can ever authentically connect with God if we are forcing ourselves into it. For some people, discipline is a natural state, if so, then it is authentic and it works. For others of us, discipline is anathema to our personalities, and meandering the scenic route is the natural way. You think God did not know this when he created us?
Like Sue said, discipline is overrated.
Maybe it is my Scottish heritage, or my Capricornian nature, but I've always been skeptical of the 'if it feels good it must be right,' ethos. I know that there will always be times when this road is harder to walk, but just because it's hard doesn't mean I'll stop walking along it.
I think when you talk about forcing it you've hit the nail on the head Erin, it's the desire, the thirst for something more that aids us in times when perseverance is needed. I see it in a similar way to my writing: I have to turn up every day and write, even when I don't feel like it, so that I am ready when the good stuff comes, but it is my love of writing that gives me the will to persevere. I suppose I feel I have lost my love of god that propels me forward, lost that spark, that desire to even be bothered.
And thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to drop by and read!
I'm glad to see you back.
I have to admit that I am of the perspective for myself that a relationship with God must be easy and natural or it is not authentic. This doesn't mean I give up when it's difficult...it's more like the relationship in general must feel right or there is something contrived about it. I don't know if that makes any sense.
But I think it is different for others. I am just one person with one person's experiences.
No, I do know what you mean. I don't think I articulated myself very well earlier though! I think natural is a good word, as right now it doesn't feel natural at all and therefore there's no motivation to tough out the hard times. Gosh, that sounds awfully depressing when I think about it!
I think there's a balance between ease and difficulty and all relationships sit somewhere along that spectrum. I guess my beef is with people for whom it has to be easy and 'feel-good' all the time, who are reliant on a sort of buzz - which I'm sure you're not like! Maybe my Presbyterian baptism is catching up with me!
It's good to be welcomed so openly, I've compartmentalised too many areas of my life, so I'm working (slowly) at some integration and authenticity.
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