I am currently making my way through So You Don't Want to Go to Church Anymore? And finding it so revealing and confronting on a deeply personal level, especially regarding God's unconditional love for and acceptance of me. I have always, always struggled with this aspect of faith, maybe being able to comprehend what it means in theory, but never instinctively able to accept it as real and meaningful in my own life and relationship with God.
I can't say I am at that point of accepting that unconditional love, but I think my perception and understanding of it is being changed. I have a wonderful, beautiful friend who struggles daily.... Despite being extremely intelligent, articulate and deeply caring she can only see herself as worthless, and often wonders aloud why I would want to be friends with someone like her, someone so unworthy.
She is bravely confronting her demons, but most of the time is unable to recognise her inherent worth and beauty. But despite this, despite her reasoning with me that she is wholly unworthy, I cannot be convinced. If I am honest, sometimes it can be more than a little frustrating, but most of the time it makes me sad and angry that for some reason or other she cannot she what a beautiful soul she is. I can suddenly see that this is probably the same frustration God experiences over me, my refusal to see myself as worthy or beautiful. The same (but more infinitely patient) love, that pursues me and my fears at a relentless pace.
I am not articulating this as well as I would have hoped, but it is true that my perspective has definitely changed, a step in the right direction has hopefully been made. But it's still so confusing. Where, where to start?
When Your Kids Deconstruct
4 years ago
3 comments:
You articulated it beautifully. It's very "enlightening" - and a little scary, when we can see some of ourselves in others. Daddy does that though.
One of these days, that might sink in to my minuscule little mind as well.
i think i read that book a little over a year ago. a wonderful read that i wolfed down in less than 24 hours, if i recall.
i will pray for your friend. what a horrible tragedy. not just to have endured those things, but to bear the scars that then follow around for so long, crippling on the inside.
"...especially regarding God's unconditional love for and acceptance of me. I have always, always struggled with this aspect of faith..."
you are definitely not alone on this one! it was a strange realization born out of much prayer and agonizing before god was able to break through on this one for me.
for some reason, within many, not ALL, but in many IC's (institutional churches) believing in the cross is not enough. it is never spoken out loud. in fact just the opposite is preached. but you know from early on that there is a code of conduct and behavior that ALSO must be adhered to for you to be deemed acceptable to the group. unfortunately, this group also uses the implication that not being acceptable to them also makes you unacceptable to god. you may have been a part of just such a group, i don't know. but that's what it was for me.
(seems like i'm sharing this alot lately!) the thought that god gave me that has broken those chains is this: either the cross worked, or it didn't. either way, you're free.
if the cross DID work, then NOTHING you do or don't do can take that away from you. if it DIDN'T, then it really doesn't matter much what you do or don't do now does it?
peace to you AND your friend today, fi.
Thank you for your encouraging words guys!
Mike - it was written in such a jumbled rush of realisation that I was hoping it would make sense somehow! I tend to intellectualise things a lot instead of letting go...I'm going to give this one time to sink in.
Jon - I have been wolfing it down like a literary pig! It's been wonderful, but also really humbling, especially when God showed me I am (beneath the surface) no different from my friend. I think my unworthiness stems mainly from my childhood - alcoholic/violent father is bound to make you feel crap somehow!Thank you for your prayers, sometimes I feel like nothing is enough, but I guess that's when things get interesting.
Post a Comment